Hi!

I just wanted to check in with you guys and make sure you're all alright. We were in KC this week end for Danny Rickets week-end, but heard about Nate early Sat morning. I did go over to his grandparents last night and spent a couple of hours with them, especially Julie, as she was in my small group in high school so we were especially close. I know this is hard on all of you as you were all friends of Nates and you loved him. I also know you have a ton of why questions, are possibly angry and him and God! and just in general don't understand. Why didn't God intervene? Why didn't his roommates do something? Why did he chose to go off his medicine? Why did he write what he did on the web? Why did this have to happen? Where was God? Doesn't God protect his children? Couldn't God have done something? Was Nate unhappy? Could I have done something? Why does he allow all this suffering? Why does he take the good guys? He could have stopped this if he had wanted to? How am I suppose to react? What do I do with all these emotions? I'm so sad that it's hard to think about anything else. A lot of my friends didn't know Nate and they don't understand what I'm going through so I feel so alone right now.

I just want to assure you that what you are feeling is absolutely valid and normal. You cared about him. Your pain in real because you cared. None of us understand and not one of use know what was going on in Nates mind or heart. We never will. Unfortunately, we can't go back and ask him. Believe me, if you never care about someone, you will never hurt, but that is not what life is all about. Pain is part of life and death is part of that life.

When I was talking to Julie and his grandparents last night, they were sharing with me how they to had missed all of Nate's warning signals. Evidently, Thurs night he was with his grandparents for a family birthday party. Even then, he was showing signs of stress but they thought it was because of a big test he had on Friday. He was happy that night, but worried about passing this test. They missed all the signs that they had been trained to see. Obviously, his poor roommates had not been at all trained and had no idea what the signs were, one of which, is not being cognitive in right thinking. I guess he sounded normal, but wasn't really. It happens gradually, and then very quickly at the end when even Nate himself, would not have been able to stop it.

As to why, we will never know. That's simply when we absolutely must trust God. In talking to Julie about this very thing, she simply responded, "Diane, I don't have the time or the energy to ask why. I just trust Him." I can't say it any better than that. Sure Julie will have some awful moments ahead and she will miss her brother terribly. Yes, she's grieving - but she has walked with God and she knows who He is. He loves them and Nate loved Jesus. he is with Him now and that's all we need to know. We will never have any answers to our questions because there are none. God has to be enough. Who He is has to be enough. Yes, our life and actions have consequences. Yes, He could have intervened. He has the power. He didn't. We will never know why He didn't, but that is His choice. Was this grief what He wants for the family and for us- no - He is crying with us. Jesus weeps with those who weep. But we live in a fallen world and this is part of that world. I hate it - I hate that this happens to people I care about. I hate that you guys are hurting. But I know God, because I have walked with Him and I have known his comfort and let him dry my tears when I knew I couldn't stand it any longer.

So crawl into His lap guys. Enough of my preaching. You are all loved by me and even more by our heavenly Father. Call me if you need to talk. I'm thinking of maybe us getting together after the funeral on Thurs night and just being together. Would that work? God cares so much that you are hurting - let Him comfort you, but if I can help, let me. Diane